Hit in the Head with the Proverbial 2 x 4

I got some rough news last night.  My mom’s cancer is back.  This morning, at 3:30 am, I found myself curled up on my sofa, drinking a cup of coffee, staring out the window at the rain, having the largest pity party this side of the Mason-Dixon Line.  Last August (2010) mom was diagnosed with Stage 3, non-small cell, inoperable, lung cancer.  She had been cancer free for 9 months.  Last Thursday she went in for her one year check up.  We were so sure she was fine, cocky, certain there were no issues.  That was, until last night.  Last night the doctor said – there is some swelling, it’s not good.  We need to do more tests, but normally, swelling means the cancer has returned.  You are probably going to need another two bouts of chemotherapy (which means she’ll lose her hair again, she’ll get sick again, she’ll go through it all over again).  And because it’s in the same location – no radiation therapy.  Of course, at this point a lot is up in the air.  But you don’t “hear” that part, you hear cancer and it’s back.  That’s all you hear.  Your worst case scenario fills in the remainder.

So, I’m sitting on my sofa, having a pity party.  Making myself late for work and, honestly, not really caring.  I’m thinking how the doctor told her she has 6-18 months.  I’m thinking I don’t want to move off the sofa and go into work and go about my daily routine and act like life is fine, because right now, I’ve been thrown for a loop and my life is anything but fine.

Then something amazing happened.  And this is why I’m sharing this.  One of my friends sent me love and light sometime around 6:00 am.  And I know exactly who it was, I’m sure she does as well.  And she hit me over the head with a proverbial baseball bat.  She isn’t aware of the impact she had on me.  The “light” turned on.  Better late than never, right?

So listen closely – I have some words of wisdom to share with you.  I learned a lesson that should have been so obvious, but when you are feeling sorry for yourself nothing is this obvious.

Last August I didn’t think I’d have my mom for Thanksgiving 2010. Let alone Christmas.  But she went through her radiation and chemo – cancer was gone.  We had a lot to be thankful for last year.  How easy it is to forget.  So now I’m sitting there throwing a pity party because she may not be here, what, next Thanksgiving or Christmas (2012) – or maybe the one after that?  Seriously?  And I’m thinking how I don’t have anything to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and Christmas.  

Wait, here comes the baseball bat – I have something very much to be thankful for – my mom is here.  I had last Thanksgiving, last Christmas with her.  I have this Thanksgiving and this Christmas with her.  No one ever promised us that we would be here for any amount of time – no one promises us forever.  And for all I know, I could be gone in 6 months.

So, that said – I stopped feeling sorry for myself.  I have today, I had yesterday – nothing else is promised us.  And now I am thankful for what I have now and I will take tomorrow as it comes!  

That was the light I was sent this morning. And for that, I am eternally grateful. 

I need to thank everyone for the love, light and prayers.  Even for the smack alongside my head this morning.  I needed it and I appreciate it more than words.

All of you out there, struggling with the things life throws at you, please take my sentiments to heart.  Life is too short to worry about tomorrow – enjoy today!

Keep your head up, keep your faith and know you always have today!  

Blessed Be.
Chelle